I let it fall, my heart
But as it fell, you rose to claim it.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...
But as it fell, you rose to claim it.
Photo Courtesy: asdfghjkllove
I should not do something so terribly selfish.
Just found a way to tame the raging hormones which is the cause of all these troubles. But I bet it’s only a stopgap solution. Not beneficial in the long run.
Started out with quite an angst-filled post but I realized it won’t do no good and thus had it deleted. Shall breathe and calm down. Shame on all the selfish people in the world.
It’s good to let out some tears once in a while. Crying yourself to sleep is painful. Will do so tonight.
A whole day of physical activities and mind-draining talks/speeches with less than 4 hours of sleep.
But I am not sure if I can survive this heartache. Be stronggggggggg!
This is gonna be a really long post and thus I’ve decided to segment it into parts. Here goes.
1) First and foremost, a big ‘thank you’ to my classmates who tried to chee me up. Actually your presence just makes me feel alright again. Thanks for being there.
2) It was high time that I realized I am the jealous type. And I freak out if someone I like y’know, is meeting someone else. About time I remedy this. If curiosity killed the cat, jealousy will kill all of Nic’s relationships with friends!
3) I’m gonna give thanks to those who constantly assure and affirm me. Thanks for backing me all the way guys. And a special shoutout to a certain someone (although you won’t see this I bet): Thanks for pushing me and encouraging me.
The valedictory speech by Abigail Nyam (35th Student Council’s President) really put things in perspective for me. I was a ‘pony’ which, because of you, turned into a ‘unicorn’ (yes to all those reading this, don’t cringe. Unicorns are gay, I know). But somehow, I lost sight of myself, lost track of my true identity and sadly, lost that self-assurance that’s so important to keep that ‘unicorn’ status. And because of this, I am reduced to the pathetic state of a zebra, doomed to get baked in the sizzling savanna till my death. Or so I think. I will not remain a zebra. I will not be a zebra ever again.
I am a unicorn. I will never engage in acts of self-pity, no. I will never tell myself how ‘bad’ I am when I am actually not. And when someone says I am lousy, I will accept that fact, and work out ways to improve myself. Easier said than done, but the journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step. And that begins with the nitty gritty details. For it is the little things that ultimately make up the big ones.
4) I shall not think too much. Okay at least I’m gonna attempt not to.
5) AC Games was really good. Day One was already awesome. The Councillors really stepped up their game. The planning was really superb, everything flowed well and I loved the games with my class. Could feel the class bonding as a whole again and the disparities between the two groups are more or less evened out. I am so proud of our class and I am so glad I don’t think I will leave ACJC next year with regrets in my heart. And yes, AD1 all the way! Work hard, play hard! And hell yeah we thrashed quite a number of classes today. The victory over AD2 was somehow extra sweet for me. No idea why though. But SA2 proved to a powerhouse in frisbee. Watch out man! Loved that match ‘cos it was really challenging. Looking forward to Day 2 of AC Games!
6) Choir is so gonna resume next week and I am so stoked. Choir geek over here thanks! I really love my batch a whole lot. As a collective bunch, I feel that we are really not bad. And this kinda gives me a little incentive to give more in service to choir. And the Teacher Team is really really supportive and I really feel privileged. And somehow, choir feels like home. Choir is the best.
7) The PW OP and MT A Level Examinations are just around the bend. For Chinese, I am leaving everything to 老师! She’s a really good teacher and she’s very nice too. As for PW, I think I have to adopt a more realistic approach. There isn’t much time for second-guessing, hemming and hawing. It just ain’t gonna work. Must really go all out already. Must. I’m gonna work myself towards two As for this year and I believe I am able to do so. So that next year I can t least garner three more As. Which brings me to my next point.
8) My Promos are really quite badly done. Although many people have been saying that I won’t do so badly and all, I can tell that it really won’t turn out so nicely. I predict I might get… BDE/D. Which is completely sufficient to let me promote. But this is really not my standard AT ALL. Guess I’ll have to study harder next year. Actually I am super confident I won’t retain. (even without a possible moderation) But the mere thought of not doing well enough just makes me really worried. Actually everyone is worried.
9) And so, I begin to chart my not-so-distant-future. Like they say, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I wanna make sure I start next year on a right note and without many hiccups. And that means I have to first prioritize what I have in the present moment:
- Choir (Carolling!)
I cannot afford to think of anymore relationship stuff from now up till the end of the completion of the accursed PW Subject. Hhhm although that someone might not like me anymore, I still have feelings for that someone. And I hate it when I am jealous (revise Point 2 please), over-think, then make things so sour. Must keep my emotions constantly in check. Must maintain!! And anyway I’m like a rock I can’t be swayed to not liking a person. Once I like/love someone, it will go on for a really long time. Really really long.
10) This is the final point. Madam Annie Yeong reminded the batch that we will have to grow up. Although this requires us to summon large quantities of energy and effort to do so, and somehow we might slack off midway, I totally agree that it is of utmost importance that I start/continue to mature. Maturity is not an endpoint, but maturing is a constant, on-going process. No one can be the most mature person on earth. I figure it is about consistent effort to synthesize both negative and positive inputs from one’s environment and to gain personal insights. And also to have maturity of thought and clarity of mind. I.e. Be in total control of what you feel, how you act, etc. But this must by no means be a robotic process. Of just hard facts. Humans are emotional beings and the difficult part of growing up is to learn how to control your feelings and your heart. It must not be forceful though. It is about accepting what you feel, quickly process it and then react accordingly. I don’t know what I’ve been blabbering on and on about but these are the things (if you understand them at all) that I need to pay attention to the most. My heart and my emotional side is the bane of my existence.
All in all, let me conclude my epic post. I am not the type to easily give up a fight. And I constantly want to improve myself. I need someone to guide me along but clearly no one is free to do the job. And maybe those who are free can’t give two flying hoots. But I will revisit the poem, Invictus, once more and perhaps get inspired again. And secretly, I am kinda waiting and hoping. Again.
Tomorrow will be a better day! More laughter, more bonding, more games, more lessons to be learnt. More to be celebrated, more to be thankful for.
But I just pray that I will recover from the slight fever/flu that I’m experiencing now, and that I won’t experience the near-death perils of almost being run down by cars. And perhaps not ram someone in the face by accident while playing frisbee. Life’s alright actually. It’s treating me quite kindly now. It would be better if I knew I had you. In the meantime, I’ll just continue singing. ‘Lord I’m doing, all I can, to be a better man’.
Should be able to heal all wounds.
That’s what I’ve heard. Countless times over.
But still I don’t dare to trust Time for it is merciless too.
It changes a man.